Let's Dance

I took a dance class at Bodyvox. It terrified me. It was not really a dance class. It was a stretch class in the form of dance. It was fun. It was scary. I felt awkward. I enjoyed it. I hated it. I wanted to hide. The mirrors made me very uncomfortable. I cried at the end when the instructor was kind to me. I'm trying to give myself permission to never go back. I'm also knowing that I need to go back.

What's making me so bunched up and creepy-weepy is the fact that I'm the New Girl. And not in a cute Zoey Deschanel sort of way. I'm almost 57. (Sheesh, how did that happen?) I've been in full stress mode for several months. I've gained weight. I feel lethargic and achy. Some days I sleep until almost 10:00! OH. MY. GOD. I am so not myself. And then, why would I be? I'm in a new city, where I know only a couple of people. I have no idea where my place is, where I fit in, what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to find it. I do not always like being the New Girl. I do not like all this not-knowing.

And then... I also know that this stop on Earth is brief and temporary and not all that important in the Big Picture. I know there's so much more than what we're living here. I know that if I let myself just relax a little bit I'll remember that this is all supposed to be fun. And it can be. I mean really, what's the worst than can happen? I do some clunky dance moves in the process of working a whole lot of crappy mental junk out of my physical body? Or I embarrass myself by crying in the face of kindness? Or I quit the class and move on to something else? It doesn't matter! What matters is that I keep going, keep trying, keep opening the doors to What Might Be Waiting For Me. How can I know if I don't give everything a chance?

I feel like I'm too old to be the New Girl. But here I am. New everywhere I go, with everyone I talk to. It's exhausting. So what? I'll sleep. A lot. And I'll go out there again, and I'll find where I belong, and who I belong with. A Movement Class forced me to moved my body in fun ways I haven't moved since I was 12 years old. Of course I sucked at it! And also, of course there has to be some muscle memory in here, waking up, smiling, and thanking me for the chance to move in old-new ways.

I could play it safe and sit in a chair, or I could dance. Dance with Portland, dance with Life, dance in a class... I think there's only one good option.


Comments

Anonymous said…
awwww, Kim... you can do it! Just breathe, and take in all that your wonderful place in life offers you!

xxoo, Linna
Lynz said…
Just keep swimming! x
Sue said…
You might try the Portland Marathon Running Clinic. They are a very friendly group. They help people train for the Portland Marathon and the training runs are free. Many friendly people in Portland. Love the honesty of your piece. If we hadn't moved I would look you up and sip tea together. Having moved recently I relate.
Kim Miles said…
Thank you all. We've all been here at some point, I'm sure. Today is another beautiful sunny day in Portland, full of possibility. There are adventures and friends to find. I appreciate your love!
Oh darlin', you've just been through such a huge life transition. It's healthy to sleep more, rest, and allow yourself to recharge. It's hard being the "new kid," no matter what our age. Be gentle with yourself as you settle into your new home and find your community. Thanks for sharing your feelings. xo
Anonymous said…
Don't quit. At least not yet. It will get easier.